A Little Lost

I’m struggling. A lot. I think most of us are, but I’m going to be egocentric for a moment and talk about what’s going on with me. One of my passions in life is helping other people. The purpose of this blog is to help people learn to love themselves. Sometimes I think that can be accomplished by being real and letting other people know it’s not all sunshine and rainbows anywhere.

So, yes. I’m struggling. Over the past few weeks, I have been hit with several things that have just caused my positivity to go out the window. My 11 year old dog had to be put down, then my sister’s dog had to be put down, then my AC broke in my car, then the AC broke in my house, then my other dog broke my bedroom window with her face (she’s okay), then my step-son wrecked his car (he’s okay), and my brain is just not working right. I am forgetting everything! Like everything! I couldn’t remember the code to my phone and computer, which has been my code for like a million years and I had to call my husband for him to tell me what it was… I’m forgetting to do things I’ve told people I would, I’m forgetting conversations I’ve had with people, I’m forgetting what day it is and forgetting to pay bills… all kinds of things, which is causing a whole different set of problems.

And I’m exhausted. I don’t think there is anything physical going on but it is causing me to wonder. It could all be emotional too. The point is that I’m not okay and it’s okay sometimes to not be okay. It’s hard to feel good about ourselves when things are a mess and not going well. It’s hard to motivate yourself to do things when you aren’t feeling positive or powerful or in control. It’s hard to do anything when it all feels out of control. Not to mention the fatigue that is happening from the quarantine and just regular life stuff.

I needed to interrupt all this somehow, so I sat down to write. I knew I wanted to do a short blog and get all this out there but I also needed to write myself into a different state of being. When we sit and think, we tend to think circularly. The same thoughts pass through over and over, or the thoughts are going so quickly that we can’t lasso one. But writing can help that. It can help you process what you are feeling and allow it to come out in a different way. It doesn’t have to be anything worth publishing but just something. Even if it’s just “I feel stuck” over and over again.

When I say “write myself into a different state of being,” I mean that writing has the power to shift my focus off myself onto something larger. Something with purpose. Something with power. This is what came out:

Photo Credit: Roger Fenton, 1855, The Valley of the Shadow of Death